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MEOW!!!
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| About 6% of critical care physicians are Anesthesiologists. Otherwise the vast majority are trained in primary care specialties like Internal Medicine and Neurology.
There are many kinda of ICUs. Pediatric ICUs, Medical ICUs, Cardiovascular ICUs, Neurological ICUs, Neonatal ICUs...
In general a critical care anesthesiologist works in the Surgical ICU, taking care of patients who had surgeries that are too sick or dying to go the the regular hospital floor.
An Anesthesiology residency is 4 years long. I am about to finish my 3rd year. After those four years I could do an extra year of fellowship to subspecialize in something. Critical Care is one of those. I absolutely have not interest in it or any other fellowship. Unfortunately, we still have to do 6 months of critical care during our 4 year program. Right now I'm in my 4th month of it.
One could argue these 6 months are the most miserable of my life. It represents so much of what I hate and want to avoid in medicine. I went into Anesthesiology because I like doing procedures, I like being in the OR, there's no continuity of care, no clinic, and I don't have to deal with the the crap I hate about inpatient medicine.
But the ICU... its so much of what I hate the most:
Rounding - Every day I show up at 6 AM or so to get sign out from the person that was on overnight. This is when you find out what disasters happened overnight are now YOUR problem for the day. Then you scramble to see all your patients. At around 8 AM the attending shows up. You spend on average 4 hours seeing every patient, writing a note, and coming up with the plan for the day. At least once or twice you contemplate suicide. Later in the afternoon you do it all over again. At least afternoon rounds are quick.
Continuity of Care - Some people love getting to know their patients, seeing them over and over. I hate it. I want to be done with a patient, move on to another, and never worry about them again. In the ICU you come back to the same patients over and over. I hate going home and worry what will happen to a patient while I'm gone. Again, so people dig it. For me, its emotionally exhausting.
Disasters - For every 3 or so patients that have a normal short course in the ICU, you get a disaster patient that is so sick its a miracle they're alive. But thanks to medical science you keep them from falling over the edge. But at any moment they could tip in the wrong direction... its kinda stressful.
Hopelessness - For every 2 or so disasters that make it through, you have one that is pretty much a hopeless cause. Maybe you keep them alive. But they're gonna be on the ventilator forever, they're going to be on continuous dialysis forever, they're going to be on pressors forever, etc etc. Its inevitable that they're gonna die. You can extend their life a good long time, you can put days of work into them... but their demise is inevitable. Or at best, they're be in a terrible state for the rest of their life. Either way, its not gonna be pleasant... not for them, or for anyone...
Families - For every 4 families that are a positive presense you get the terrible family that's completely irrational and a terror to talk to. Even worse when you have an awesome family for one of the hopeless patients. Cause then you feel bad for them. You feel especially terrible when they hold out on hope that a miracle will happen, when you know that it won't happen. They take one piece of modest good news and don't think about the big picture. You either have to be the one to crush their hope slowly, or let all hope blow up at once when their loved one suddenly takes the inevitable turn for the worse.
Nurses - Most the nurses are really good. Most of them do what you say. But some of them are bitches. And regardless of how good the nurse is I HATE relying on them to do things for me. You have to put an order in the computer, then you have to tell them personally, then you have to go back later and make sure it actually happened. If it doesn't happen, its your fault. Meanwhile they constantly come to you for problems. And that's the way inpatient medicine is designed. The doctor gives orders. The nurse carries them out. I'd rather do both.
Respiratory Therapy - We manage the ventilators 100% in the operating room, we are the airway experts... but for some damned reason we're not allowed to touch the ventilators in the ICU. Cause that's the Respiratory Therapist's job. So what do I have to do when I want to make a small change in the settings? You find the ONE respiratory therapist that happens to be covering the ICU that day and ask them to do it for you. Remember what I said about how I feel about relying on other people???
Medical Students - I've been blessed with having a couple of REALLY GOOD medical students this month. They've been helpful, they work really hard. But I'm starting to realize how much I sucked as a student. They often get in the way. They often slow things down. They ask you stupid questions, or don't know how to do things that are so trivial to you. I enjoy teaching them and taking them under my wing... but at the same time it can get distracting and annoying... They also take FOREVER to present a patient.
Surgeons - Unfortunately the surgeons still have a say in patient care since they were their patients to begin with. So there is often a battle between us and them about their care. Often the biggest battle is whether or not a patient is sick enough to come to the ICU, or leave the ICU. We want to send back any patients that are remotely close to being stable. They don't want to be responsible for any patients that are still remotely sick. And of course it starts with residents fighting with residents. Then works its way up the chain to the surgeon and my attending. As the resident you are stuck in the middle of it all. Politics! Its all politics!!!
Crankiness - There is no shortage of crankiness in the ICU. I'm cranky most of the time. The other residents are cranky. The attending is cranky. The surgeons are cranky. The secretary is cranky. The nurses are cranky. The patient is cranky. The family is cranky. All with good reason. But its not a happy place to be. EVER. | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment   |
| There's this show called Breaking Bad. Its basically about the dad from Malcolm in the Middle dying of cancer so he starts making crystal meth and gets involved with gangs, cartels, and murders and stuff. I'd seen the first few episodes when it first started a few years ago. Then I started watching it on Netflix. Its kinda slow but its really good. Excellent acting and character development.
Unfortunately I finished the 3rd season today and they don't have the 4th season up yet.
Watched something about the Berlin Wall, then the first 2 minutes of Iron Man 2.
But I need a new show to watch.
SOOOO I started watching My Little Ponies. I've only seen a couple episodes out of sequence and some of the youtube satires, so I guess I might as well start from the top and watch em all.
I'm on the second episode now. Right now Rainbow Dash is being tempted by the evil pony pegasus flying team or something...
I get the impression that Rainbow Dash is the most popular one, though in my opinion Pinkie Pie is clearly the best one. She's so freaking annoying and she bounces around... traits I find appealing in a pony (even though if such a person existed in real life I would want to punch them)
I dunno how many episodes there are on Netflix, but I guess I have no choice but to watch em all, at least until more of my drug dealer show gets uploaded.
Hmmmmmmmm, apparently they just defeated the evil moon princess...
Anyway, I decided that my pony character is called Bouncy Ball.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6926303/
He's extra bouncy-like. Naive and kind of oblivious. But not as annoying.
PS: Princess Celestia is hot. She's clearly the most attractive. But Pinkie Pie is officially my favorite.
Hmmmmm.... 2nd episode just ended. I'll watch just one more and then I'll go play some basketball.
EDIT: okay, 2 episodes of this at a time is enough. Time to go outside. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| JAGGERS PAWTUCKET
Way back in high school when I tentatively delved into the whole furry thing, I decided I needed to make a character. I considered animals like bald eagle, shark, fox, or weasel. Then it was fox or weasel. Then I decided why not both. I commissioned David Hopkins to design a fox weasel hybrid with green eyes and black hair. I also decided he was a camera man for some reason. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1967756/ My first commissioned art ever. I started calling myself "Jaggs" cause I needed a name. Then I decided that Jaggs was short for "Jaggers", for no apparent reason. Much later I was on vacation with family and we drove past a freeway sign for Pawtucket, Rhode Island. I thought that was awesome and decided to make it my last name. Over time the design changed alot. Mary played a big role in alot of the changes.
Many many years later I started wanting a fursuit, and Frazzy offered to make it for me. Paid it all from money I slowly made selling custom Furrimons =)
JAGGSIE
Also way back when, I used to make lots of bets with friends about stupid things. I lost a game of Starcraft to Grell and so I had to roleplay as anything he chose in the chatroom we used to frequent. At the time I hated cats. So he decided I had to be a cat. A non-anthropomorphic cat. A honeybear cat. A cat named "Jaggsie". And female. This exact picture http://pusscats.com/Honeybear_Cats-.....ear_1__red.jpg I was legitimately embarrassed. But that's when I first learned it was fun to meow and purr, especially when you're annoying about it. Later I lost similar bets to both him and Spots. This resulted in such things as me having to "come out" about being furry, and "come out" about being curious about being a girl. Rechronicled here, http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3565012/ It also resulted in me having to commission a badge at MFM and wear it all weekend. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/559547/
Many years later Mary and I were talking about how it would be fun to dress 80's in fursuit at FCN. I thought the idea of crossdressing in a Jaggsie suit would be hilarious. Ultimately we both got partial suits from Jill, whom I didn't really know at the time, but Mary had known her from the old Yerf days.
JZANKY
I was at Mary's house and we were watching the Lion King. We randomly decided to make lion king fursona's. We thought it would be funny to text Sophie and ask her if she and Raspberryroo wanted to join our pride. That same day we discussed what our lions would look like. Mine would be feasox colors with a giant unkempt black mane, with black ear tufts, and green eyes. And a nose like Scar, not Simba.
Mary designed the rest. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4417409/ Mary noted me at some point of what I wanted the name to be. I literally came up with "Jzanky" in less than a minute.
I changed some of the color design over time, and with consideration of getting a fursuit some day. How did this happen? The last day of AC we were hanging out with Sophie and Raspberryroo. We were in the Zoo. One of em suggested that we get fursuits made of our lions. We had been trying to convince her to go to MFF. I told her we'd pay her to make the lion fursuits for us if she would go to MFF. She agreed and we shook hands. Bizarre, but that's how it happened! Ironic thing is they ended up not being able to go to MFF! :P
VIKK COVINGTON
One day Jill0r put on auction a partial suit of a grey fennec. Originally the head was made by MixedCandy as Jill's own fennec character but it was too big and whatnot for her so she reworked it and made it paws and a tail. I was instantly in love with the giant ears. The black ear tips, black hair, and green eyes were a happy coincidence. =)
I was with Mary at TGI Fridays prior to NEOFur picnic when she asked me what I would name him. She proceeded to make me feel self conscious about how egocentric it would be to also have his name start with a J. She suggested the name "Vick" because it sounded like my real name. I smiled and said okay, but it would be spelled with two k's. I later decided his last name was Covington. Because its funny when animals have human last names. He's also a doctor, a veterinary doctor.
He debuted at indyFurcon with a ski jacket and jeans. I remembered Sandusky's story (see below) and thought it'd be funny to tell people I was a snow fennec who's fur turned winter colors from being raised by snow leopards up north. Eventually Jill0r made him a body and feet, and Vikk was complete!
SANDUSKY YIN
Spots was visiting for the weekend and we were driving to Camp Perry to go to the CMP Store to look at rifles, and hopefully do some target shooting as well. On the way there we drove past Sandusky, and I noted how I thought that name sounded cool. He pretty much egged me on like he always does and I amused myself by declaring that my next character would be named Sandusky, but pronounced like "Sand Husky". But he wouldn't be a husky, but a snow leopard. But he wouldn't really be a snow leopard, because he grew up in the desert.
I was so pleased with my brilliantness that I Photoshopped an icon of a snow leopard with brown fur and announced it to the world http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1268910/
Vikk didn't come into existance til later, but the coincidence of his colors made too much sense to ignore. Vikk is a fennec with snow leopard like colors because he grew up in Ohio. Sandusky is a snow leapard with fennec like colors because he grew up in Arizona. Snow fennec and Sand Leopard. Yin and Yang! I AM SO SMART! I AM SO SMART! S-M-R-T!!! | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Been watching various documentaries on Netflix. Happened upon one that I found particularly interesting, and quite frankly touched on the very issues I've found to be the most difficult working in the hospital (especially when I've been in the ICU)
This is a PBS special about end of life decisions that shows the perspective of the medical caregivers. Honestly from personal experience these kinda situations are the hardest to deal with. You get an idea of different philosophies, from both families and doctors, and how much a slippery slope it is.
I certainly have my own philosophy on it... I'm sure you do too...
If you actually have the interest to watch the video you can find it on netflix called "Frontline: Facing Death". Its also online here:
http://video.pbs.org/video/1639625115/
This has nothing to do with furry at all obviously, but I felt compelled to share what I found to be one of the best medical documentaries I've ever seen... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm still on 29 years old, in probably the best health I've ever been. My career hasn't even officially started yet. I've got so much in the future to look forward to. The excitement of the unknown. There's alot of things under my control, decisions to make. At the same time there's lots that's I have absolutely no control over. Life is pretty cool that way.
I'm about to turn the big three-oh. Soon I will be a grown up. My life as a student is ending. I will turn from a baby doctor into a grown up doctor. I've gone from parent's home, to dorm, to apartment, to apartment, to rental house, and hopefully to my own house. I'm gonna be starting to look for a new job, somewhere.
And unlike previous iterations, this change will be for the long term (most likely).
Its awesome cause it'll be a new chapter in my life. But its also scary because after that, then what? I guess if I'm lucky I'll live a stable life, no big changes, until comes the day that I die. Again, if I'm lucky. There's some kind of odd sense of finality in what's about to change in my life that's kinda surreal.
I'd always hoped that I'd die at an old age in some kind of spectacular accident doing something I enjoyed. Like crashing into tree in my second bid to learn to snowboard ate the age of 70... or getting hit by bus while bouncing down the street in my 50 year old Jaggers fursuit. Or maybe even die in the act of saving someone else's life. Oh how noble that would be.
But I guess we don't have any control over how we die, unless you make it happen on purpose (which I would never do).
So when that happens, if FA and these journal posts still exists, I just wanna say a few things to remember me by.
I've been involved in the furry fandom since I was a sophomore in high school. Initially just on the sidelines, and eventually I made some friends in chat rooms, and people I talked to on AIM. Made some great long lasting friendships that way. Took me awhile to actually consider myself "furry". I never thought I'd be as involved in it as I have.
I started developing Jaggers as a character. Initially if felt creepy to even refer to myself as Jaggers. I always talked about him in the third person. I eventually went to my first con in 2004. And OMG did I think fursuits were creepy. Then again, the quality of them has changed alot since then. Over time I identified more with my character. I also identified more with other furries. Made more friends. Closer friendships. Friendships some ways more shallow, but also many ways deeper, than the relationship I made in the real world.
Meanwhile I kept going with school. Didn't lose sight of the real life stuff. But furry is what kept me wierd. I don't think I would be the same person today if I didn't have this bazaar, secret, second life to turn to when I needed it. And needed it alot I did. Initially it was flash movies, chatting on line. Now its shifted more to going to cons, fursuiting. Posting journals I always did alot. I wish I had more time and energy to contribute to the fandom, somehow give back to how much its given me. But I guess there's plenty of talented, and likeable, furries out there to do that.
Most of all I am grateful for all the great people I've met here. Friends, acquaintances, familiar faces, even people I don't like. I hope I have, and will, make a positive influence on at least some of your lives. You certainly have for me, and I think you for that. :) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| not quite there yet but im exited about getting in the holiday spirit. Been too long!
Gonna get a REAL tree this year. My first one ever!!! =) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| WORK:
Today was my first day off in 3 weeks, which meant last night was my
first night in a long time I got to stay up. How did i spend it? After
work, I went for jog, then a bike ride. Then went to Chili's with Mary
and got a chicken fajitas. Then went to Wal-mart and bought the Scream
trilogy, and watched the first Scream. Somehow by the end it was like 3
AM. Went to bed and woke up at 4 PM. Went for another jog. Ate
lunch/dinner. Played some video games while watching Lion King. Now
its time for bed as I'm on call Sunday.
Overall this month has gone pretty well. I've been getting up at 4:15
AM cause I'm doing cardiac surgery this month. Tired but its also
pretty satisfying and cool.
I'm in my 3rd year of residency right now. One more to go. Then I
hafta decide if I go out to get a job, or do an extra year of fellowship
in a subspecialty. I've already ruled out Critical Care, Pain
Management, Pediatric Anesthesia, and Ob Anesthesia as anything I'd want
to subspecialize in. At this point Cardiothoracic Anesthesia is the
ONLY fellowship I'd consider doing. Its also the most bad-ass
subspecialty in my opinion.
Its easy to think I've been in school/training for so long, so what's
another year? But damn, I'm getting burned out. And I don't know if
its worth it. Pros include commanding (in theory) a higher salary, the
aforementioned bad-ass factor, and potentially being more competitive in
the job market. Cons include more stressful lifestyle (if I were to
end up being "the cardiac guy"), and an extra year that I'm NOT making
an attending level salary (which might make the higher salary with a
fellowship a wash)
The main reason I'd consider doing it then is if I find its hard to find
a job in a location I want without a fellowship. Right now the job
market is still good enough, so I hope that ends up being true for me.
*sigh* This'll be the main thing I'll be stressing out about the next
year. What will I do after this? And where will I end up living? What
I do next would likely be for forever, so its a big deal...
HEALTH:
I'm in pretty good health right now. I got motivated to make lifestyle
changes early August when I went to a nice dinner and found that my old
pair of dress paints were uncomfortably tight.
I've been jogging a few miles every day (except when out of town or on
call) for almost 3 months now, and riding my bike alot too. And if
feels pretty damned good (actually makes the mental fatigue of work
less painful). Trying to eat healthier too. I don't think I've felt
this good since college, which was the last time I went on a health
kick. Have my resting heart rate down to 40 or so which is pretty
sweet.
I just hope I don't get injured again, or can keep motivated to keep
doing it. I'm worried this winter is going to keep me from going
outside again, but this time I think I'm more determined to find ways
around it... I'm just a lil over a year from 30, and I hope that when
that happens I'll be in the best health of my life. I figgure that'd at
least lessen the blow a little bit...
Alot of the other residents have been buying disability insurance since
this is supposedly the best time in your career to lock in the insurance
rates while we're healthy. *sigh* I've been fretting about this a lil
bit too. I don't want to have another bill to pay, but ontop of that, I
hate to have to worry about having health problems come up anytime
soon. But I know its very possible (and ultimately inevitable). I'm
gonna ask my sister for advice when I go home next month.... (and yes I
value the opinion of my family more than anyone else. I know its lame,
but that's how I was raised)
FURRY:
I'm actually really really looking forward to upcoming furry events.
Probably cause there's quite a few things to look forward to. Gonna be
going to MFF again (after going home for several days). Rooming with
Mary, Buckhopper, and Xyk. That'll be pretty cool. There's a couple
places in Chicago I've been DYING to eat at since we were there last
year. AWESOME.
In February we're gonna make our return to Furry Fiesta. Gonna precede
it with a week vacation in Texas, road tripping and whatnot. Still
haven't decided what we're gonna do with that time, but that just adds
to the excitement! Then the con itself. Will be a blast to just hang
out with the Texas folks. Sophie and Lisa will be there which will be
bad ass. Taco Cabana.
Then its FCN. And I've taken an extra week off, and we're planning to do a trip to Florida.
And then AC, as usual. But not taking any vacation time for this, so its not a guarantee.
And then gonna go to a con in Canada in July called Condition Blue!
Probably gonna hit up Niagra falls on the way there. Then probably
gonna go home to Texas again for the rest of the week.
That's a pretty sweet series of vacations and cons to look forward to!
I've been working my ass off, haven't taken a single vacation day this
year, but definately gonna be making use of em when I do start! =)
Finally: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6637031/
yes, its coming. At some point... :)
Oh, and don't forget about Hawaii Furmeet! Its still gonna happen! Least that's the plan...
.......
okay off to bed now. I got to spend another 24 hours in the labor and
delivery unit again tomorrow. Gotta get some sleep for yet another day
full of suicidal thoughts... | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| DISCLAIMER 1: this is a 100% serious post. Not a joke. And not "in character" as Vikk, Sandusky, or anyone else that isn't me.
DISCLAIMER 2: I used to operate on a "don't talk about potentially divisive things on the internet" philosophy, but I'm tired of feeling like I need to hide what I believe in.
DISCLAIMER 3: I only wish to express my personal views without judging others for theirs. I try to be considerate of others' beliefs, so please do the same for me. Please refrain from saying things that'll reflect poorly on your own ability to be tolerant.
POLITICS
I have a firm belief that people will want from their politicians what is best for themselves and their families. People vote on self interest. The people that live off welfare rather than getting a job will vote for whoever will keep their welfare checks rolling in. And the corporate fat cats will vote for whoever will keep the good times rolling.
As for me, I'm somewhere in the middle. The government does lots of good necessary things. But I don't want a huge chunk of my income going to people with no motivation to work or better their lives. Nor do I want a huge chunk of my income going to give oil companies tax breaks. None of that money will help me or the people I actually care about.
I grew up in a demographic that was very conservative. Both socially (see below in the faith and sexuality parts) as well as fiscally. In elementary school we had a pretend election for the 1992 presidency, and H.W. Bush got something like 92% of the vote. Ross Perot beat out Clinton for the scraps of what was left.
Considering the way we were raised, this was no surprise.
As I've grown older and actually thought about what I believed, I've become increasingly more moderate. Especially with the social stuff. I kinda think people should be allowed to do what they want as long as they don't hurt anyone else.
If I had ever cared enough to vote, I would have always picked the Republican. And if I ever do vote, I'll pick the Republican. But ultimately I don't care that much. I rooted for McCain over Obama. Kinda like how I root for a sports team. But not enough to go through the trouble to vote for him. When Obama won I pretty much shrugged and thought "bummer. Oh well..."
FAITH
Where I grew up something like 80% of the population was some form of Christian, with various other things mixed in. I remember once witnessing an argument between a girl in high school and some guy that said he was Agnostic. I was horrified at how intolerant she was that he didn't share her beliefs. Thank goodness he wasn't atheist. I also remember learning about Hinduism in social studies, and some student I had previously respected taking it upon himself to go on a rant in front of class about how many "holes" there were that religion. And it didn't seem to bother anyone.
My dad's family was traditionally Tsaoist with elements of Buddhism. As per my mom, her side was always "nothing" (more on that later).
Despite that I'd say I've been exposed to all sorts of faiths. I've had best friends that were Hindu, atheist, Catholic, Christian, etc
When I went to college it seemed like everyone was "Agnostic".
The furry fandom seems like its 75% atheist. (completely made up estimation)
Oddly enough the hospital is like the most religiously diverse group of people I've been a part of. And yet I've never seen anyone try to impose their beliefs on others there. Same with politics. It seems people are just smart enough to know not to bring that kinda drama into the work place.
So as for me, what do I believe? Well I above all despise religious intolerance. And this goes both ways. I hate it when people try to impose their religions on others. At the same time I hate it when people proclaim that people who believe are delusional. What good does any of it do? You're not gonna change anyone's mind. It just makes everyone look like an intolerant hypocrite.
But of course that's just what I think.
But I don't know what I believe. I think there could be something I believe. There could be not. Maybe I'll figgure out later, maybe I won't. Maybe its too big for me to grasp. Maybe it doesn't matter if I figgure it out. Maybe I don't want to.
For me its a really hard pill to swallow to accept that no matter who's right, the majority of everyone else is wrong. And that really sucks.
I remember once at dinner my sister asked my mom what religion she belonged to, and she responded "nothing". And then my sister asked, "so are you atheist?". And my mom, seemingly offended, quickly replied, "no, I just said I'm nothing".
At the time I didn't understand how that could be possible. But now I see that maybe I'm cut out of the same mold as her. At least for now...
SEXUALITY
I've written this topic before. But I'm going to try to be extra honest this time.
I remember once in high school, our very popular US representative talked to us at an assembly, basically inspiration stuff, mixed in with what his political platform was. Near the end someone asked him what his view on gay marriage was. He gave the expected response of "I believe marriage is a union between a man and a woman". That didn't bother me. But then half the students in the stands started applauding.
I was essentially raised to be homophobic. But even at that time that really really gave me an icky taste in my mouth.
In college I realized that being gay really wasn't rare at all, and there was no reason for me to think of them any differently than anyone else.
I got more involved in the furry fandom. Meeting furries in person. Going to my first cons. Talk about exposure to gayness. That was like an explosion of gayness.
If anything I've learned not to judge people for their sexuality (as long as they don't throw it in my face or purposely try to make people uncomfortable). And I think its sad that so many people can't get past this. Again, I hate intolerance. And again, this goes both ways.
So on to me.
There's plenty of people who I'm sure think I'm gay. They'd be wrong.
But I don't blame them for it. So many furries are gay. And I've in many ways invited the belief I am. I don't know way. Maybe its a subconscious tendency to go with the crowd. Maybe I don't want to be rejected or judged for NOT being gay. Maybe it flatters me when guys hit on me at cons.
Its probably a little of all those things. In some odd way I envy gay couples because they go through with it despite the social difficulties it comes with. It makes me wonder why I haven't loved anyone romantically before. I've had chances. I've had infatuation. But not this maddening sense of love that couples seem to have. If I did the expected and dated some girl long term, maybe even got married, my family would be SO HAPPY, everyone would be so happy for me. Life would be happy.
Except for me. I don't think I would be happy.
So I question myself. Is it possible I'm into guys and not girls?
I've experimented. Recently in fact. But it doesn't seem to be the case. I think that physically I'm mostly attracted to girls. Which kind of sucks because I think I'm more emotionally attracted to guys. I for the most part don't get girls. In the past when I thought I had something good going, it turned out not to be. Also, maybe its a side effect by having grown up with two older sisters. I don't know.
Perhaps I need to meet the right person that'll click with me on both levels, male or female.
Or maybe I just won't ever love anyone in that way. Just have my friends, my family, and my cat. Casual relationships without commitment. Nothing wrong with that is there?
So am I gay? No I'm not.
Am I straight? Depends on your definition, but probably not 100%
Am I bi? Depends on your definition, but probably not 100% | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| NOTICE: first I have to clarify that at a philosophical and spiritual level I believe in the duality of the spirit. That is why I am both a feasox and a lion at the same time. Its the same reason why feasoxes can be canine, mustelid, and 100% feline at the same time (the feasox triumvirate). While Jaggsie and Vikk are both alter egos of mine, Jaggers and Jzanky are both equally me. They both ARE me. I know it may not make sence to the logical mind. But since when was existence ever logical?
Its already well established fact that feasoxes are superior to all, but I just want to touch on some of the reasons why lions are just as superior.
First, you can't argue against history. People have been identifying with lions for centuries. Check out these self portraits cave people painted of their lionsonas thousand and thousands of years ago!
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped.....auvet_cave.JPG
They've radiocarbon dated this art to the Upper Paleolithic Age! And check this out! Might this have been the first fursuit reference?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lion-human
It "is the oldest known zoomorphic (animal-shaped) sculpture in the world and one of the oldest known sculptures in general".
Could the first furry had existed 32,000 years ago? According to science they did! And they chose to be a lion. Of course a lion.
Mankind's love affair with lions hasn't ever waned.
The National Geographic Society recently published the results to a 2 year study where they surveyed people from all seven continents about which extant species they would be most sad about if they went extinct. Every single species was included in the study, and the results showed that lions were by far number one. And this was extremely statistically significant (p<0.0005) compared to the next closest species, the domesticated dog, followed by the domesticated cat. Even humans were only number 4 on the list! (which is quite ironic when you think about it)
From this you can deduce that lions are thus everyone's subjective favorite species. (however the society did admit more studies need to be performed to prove this correlation).
More evidence I found was when I talked to one of the original writers of The Lion King at ComicCon last year. Apparently when the movie was in its planning stages Disney was still in a rut and they despirately needed a "Grand Slam" or they'd go backrupt. Their animal themed movies always did the best, but quite frankly they found that elephants, mice, cats, fish, deer, and even dalmations weren't sustainably marketable. They needed a guaranteed slam dunk that'd "last the ages". At first, he wrote a script for "The Wolf King" thinking that wolves were the answer. Fortunately, producer Don Hahn saw better and struck down the first script (which was sold to what was called Rich Animation Studios at the time, and eventually released as "Alpha and Omega" almost two decades later). The titular character was changed to a lion and the project pretty much took off at that point. The rest is history.
Crap. I've started rambling like I always do when I've spent too much time on research. Sorry. I was gonna talk more about my emotional connection with lions, but I guess that's not happening this time. Sorry :P | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| SUNDAY - slept in. Went to Taco Bell again with  amyloveyou and  frazzles626. Split one of those ginormous $5 box meals with  marymouse. Went to fursuit games as Jaggsie. Ran around lots. Was on  firr's team of course. Our team won... of course. Played mouse with people. Particularly  robypanther.  reimeerkat went bye bye. They ended up using my mouse toy for Hot Mouse. Got second place in that =). Went to Benihana's with Mary, Amy, and Frazzy. Amy and Frazzy went home. Drank a beer. We fursuited as Jzanky and Bahati abit.  mozee was creepy. Hanged with Midori a lil bit. Photos. Windy outside. Went back up and shower. Drank buncha rum and coke. Came back as Piggins and played with  jill0r,  tabernak, and I can't remember his name. Piggins went nuts at the dances. Made self ill. Crashed. Mary stayed up longer to make sure I didn't die.
MONDAY - didn't die overnight. Got packed. Said byes. Packed car and departed. Dropped Jill off at Greyhound. Did some shoppings. Mary bought a netbook. Dinner at Moe's. Unpacking still in progress.
Realized as I was putting my fursuit stuff away that I have a good amount of fursuits now. I think I should stop getting more in the immediate future. Body for Vikk, but no more new suits for awhile I think... :) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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MEOW!!!
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jaggers's journal
